by Mike Peercy, Executive Director of Fostering Grace

If you’ve spent some time parenting small children, then you’re not unfamiliar with the sort of “in-between” season of life when a child has much more complicated needs than they have the vocabulary (much less the self-awareness) to articulate. I have a fair amount of experience in this area and I have never heard a child tell me that they need a nap… but I have certainly seen plenty of moments when that was certainly needed.

So much of the time, especially in working with kids with trauma in their stories, we see behavior that is, at least on the surface, troublesome or problematic. It can change the whole situation if we learn to ask a better question.

Even a very advanced (in language development) 6 or 7 year old child will almost never be able to say, “I’m feeling some anxiety in this situation and would be helped by the proprioceptive experience of chewing a piece of gum.” Those moments of dysregulation (big and small) require us as caregivers to be a sort of detective—piecing together the context clues regarding the sights, sounds, smells, textures, and whatever understanding we may have about this child’s story—to discern what might be going on.

They seem to be having a hard time right now. Have they had any water? Do they need a snack? Is this a time to introduce some intentional movement? What has their brain on edge right now?

There is not a teacher with any experience that hasn’t seen a kid deliberately violate classroom or playground rules in order to get the attention they so desperately crave but don’t know how to ask for. As adults providing care and nurture to kids from hard places, it is crucial that we look deeper than the surface of unpleasant or challenging behavior and ask the better question—what is the need behind this behavior?

But is this just for kids? Could it be that, at least much of the time, even the frustrating behavior of adults may come from a need they cannot really express? Is it possible that the so-called “Karen” of internet mockery may often be a person feeling entirely unseen by the spouse and kids she spends her life taking care of and so desperate for respectful interaction that she literally demands satisfaction from strangers? Is it possible that the road-raging driver is experiencing such a spiral of insecurity that they hide behind the wheel of their car to demonstrate the dominance they so desire?

We all cross paths with kids (and too often adults as well) with behavioral matters that disturb us. What if we all learned to ask better questions?

What is the need behind this behavior?