by Mike Peercy, Executive Director of Fostering Grace

Is there a more stinging question to ask someone than this: “What is wrong with you?”

I suggest that, when we’re having one of those moments of losing our cool or flipping our lids, there is something stinging and demoralizing when hit with those words or any of the caustic equivalents that pop so easily from our lips. But what if we could find some better questions to ask—some in our own minds and others directly to the person that we see—that could actually help us find a better way forward for the person in distress?

If you’ve spent a lot of time with kids, then you have probably had a moment (or many) that made you wonder, “what in the world is going on inside that kid’s head?” Then again, it’s not at all limited to kids, is it? Maybe we’ve been unable to resist the urge to spit those harsh words, “What were you thinking!?!”

The frustration in those moments can be really high. What we see from a person may not be at all reasonable from our vantage point. But we have to learn to ask a better question when we are puzzled like this.

The reality is that there is always more going on than we can see—particularly with kids from hard places. The trauma in their history has kind of melted together some of the wiring in their brains so that seemingly small things cause really disproportionate (rationally speaking) responses. Our reflex to ask, “what were you thinking,” is ineffective because they aren’t thinking at all! The thinking part of their brain is closed off because of the trauma response that has been triggered by something you may not be able to identify.

Some examples: a particular smell, sound, or texture that is connected to a traumatic moment in their memory; a word in a tv show or in conversation that strikes a chord of memory; or even a moment on the calendar that they may not have any conscious recognition of but is surely marked in their body. I can tell you from personal experience that, on more than one occasion, the strange surge of emotions that came up in my own mind was really puzzling until I picked up my calendar and realized it was within a couple of days of the anniversary of a really difficult moment in my history.

If we would care well for people (particularly kids) with trauma in their stories, we have to learn to ask this crucial question—why would the response or reaction we are witnessing make sense? It might be the beginning of helping them to a better, less fearful life by opening the door for our compassionate, gracious support.

We could all use some better questions. This one is a good start.